The least funny joke in the history of time isn’t actually a joke at all.
For something to be funny, there should be some kind of irony, or pun, or some form of actual meaning to whatever the joke is. It doesn’t need to make you think that hard, although it could. You could just say something unexpected or out of the ordinary. It can even be about poop and farts (because poop and farts are never not funny).
[As I typed, “poop and farts,” I giggled. Did I mention I have a college degree?]
But for some reason, 90% of the people I encounter at work seem to have the same joke loaded in the chamber.
“This is the one,” I imagine them saying to themselves proudly. “I’m going to f***ing kill with this joke. When I unleash this category 5 hurricane of funny on this poor, unsuspecting bellman/driver, he is going to laugh so hard he will s**t into the future.”
(They seem to think it’s that good. Why did your face do that weird thing when you read that?)
Unfortunately for them, I’ve heard the joke about ten trillion times. Since the dawn of man, this joke has actually never been funny once. It clearly is the first thing to pop into whomever-delivers-this-atrocity-in-the-name-of-humor’s unrelentingly cretinous excuse for a brain. And rather than trying to find something actually clever to say, or trying to have some kind of real human moment, or even doing something as base as talking about the weather, every single one of you who has ever uttered this irresponsibly moronic verbal-diarrhea-water-balloon has contributed to the continuing problem of society’s decline into mental entropy. You actually drop the IQ of every single person within earshot of this heinious utterance by a good 10 points (at least).
So, if you ever see me, or anyone who will be wearing the same name tag as me within the same city limits that I live, don’t you ever say anything close to the following sentence:
“Oh, Austin from Austin; that’s convinient.”
I will kick you in your damned throat.
That doesn’t mean anything.
I swear, anyone who says this thinks, “There’s a correlation there, so this has to be hilarious.”
And you qualifying it by saying, “I bet you get that all the time,” only makes you worse. And by worse, I mean worse than Hitler.
This is the pain I live with. This is the burden I bear.